ALGORITHM MARCH! WITH NINJAS!
by QuirkQuirk
Summary: In the midst of the highly debated “who gets top in a relationship between Sasuke and Naruto” argument, things start to get really weird. SasuNaru crackfic.


**Author's Notes:** I wrote this story as a tutorial for learning the "ALGORITHM MARCH! WITH NINJAS!" dance, which can be found on YouTube, and is quite silly and amazing. For further (simplified) instructions/tutorial, as well as where, specifically, to find the video, see the comments after the story.

**The disclaimer! **Obviously I do not own "Naruto". I don't think I even own any Naruto related merchandise. Heck, I don't even own the Algorithm March! Or the ninjas! And I don't claim to! So, really, you have no reason to sue me.

**Pairing(s): **Sasuke/Naruto

**Summary:** In the midst of the highly debated "who gets top in a relationship between Sasuke and Naruto" argument, things start to get really weird. Oo!

**Warnings:** Beware the crack-tacular writings that stem from my insane brain! Look out for boyxboy stuff, and extremely bizarre situations.

**Other Stuff:** I am aware of the fact that the characters in this may be either extremely OOC at times, or just completely OOC, period. This is due to the fact that this is MEANT to be a crack-fic, and it should therefore be assumed that all of the characters and events (and don't forget the author!) are insane. (Also, for anyone who may not know, 'uke' submissive/taking it in a relationship, 'seme' dominant/dishing it out.)

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ALGORITHM MARCH! WITH NINJAS! …tutorial. XD 

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Sasuke glared at the blonde standing before him. "Come on, dobe, just admit it."

"NO! I REFUSE!" Naruto shouted back, his face flushed in pure frustration and his hands clenched in fists at his sides. "I don't care what you think – I would NEVER be uke to you! YOU'RE the one who has the stupid word in his NAME, for crying out loud!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. They'd been having this same argument for months. It was the age old "who gets top in a relationship between Sasuke and Naruto" argument, that was so widely debated in the Naruto fandom. Sasuke wasn't quite sure how they had wound up having it here in his own house this time, but that wasn't the point. Personally, Sasuke was sure it was the blonde who was to take the bottoming role, but unfortunately Naruto refused, point blank. Even if his reasoning was completely and utterly ridiculous. "Don't be stupid. That has nothing to do with it – it's a suffix, not a label to be used as a deciding factor in this argument."

Naruto glared back at Sasuke, refusing to back down. "I don't care – it's still in there! Obviously if we were going to be in a relationship, which would of course NEVER ACTUALLY HAPPEN – " the blonde made sure to stress this particular point. "– you'd be the one on the receiving end! End of discussion!" To further his point, Naruto launched into very childish display of mockery by sticking his tongue out at Sasuke while giving him an extremely rude hand gesture before crossing his arms over his chest in a triumphant manner, grinning victoriously.

Sasuke levelly matched the blonde's look with one of his own, which was notably more controlled and mature, just for the record. Clearly arguing this out verbally as they had many a time in the past was not going to win this debate for him, so on a whim he decided to go for a different approach which might be able to turn the tables in his favour.

"Oh yeah?" He challenged. "That's really what you think?"

"Yes." Naruto shot back indignantly, turning up his nose and looking away from his rival to signify that he undoubtedly had the upper hand in this discussion and was not willing to relinquish it any time soon. He sniffed in a superior manner. "That's really what I think."

"Are you sure?" Sasuke further questioned, quickly reaching out and grabbing Naruto by the shoulders. Naruto looked back, his blue eyes widening a little in shock. He had obviously not been expecting Sasuke to make a grab at him.

"Y-yes." He answered, although his voice was a little shaky. What was Sasuke up to now! Whatever it was, Naruto didn't like it. That sneaky, NOT SEME ninja! "I'm sure."

Without warning, Sasuke suddenly jerked Naruto forward, making sure to press his hips insistently out to meet Naruto's, pressing their groins against one another and settling Naruto's hands on his hips, where he firmly held them in place. The dark haired ninja smirked. "Positive?"

"Uh… uh…" Naruto struggled for an answer, a blush once again rising on his face, although this time for entirely different reasons. "Um… SASUKE! ITACHI IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU!"

Sasuke didn't even flinch. In fact, his smirk only grew more smug at Naruto's attempt at a distraction. "Nice try, dobe, but it's not gonna work. You're not getting out of this one that easy."

"NO – I'M SERIOUS, SASUKE! LOOK BEHIND YOU!"

Sasuke heaved a sigh, giving in. Once Naruto started these stupid little games of his, he wasn't likely to give up until he saw it all the way through. Stupid Naruto and his stupid, stubborn, stupidness. Stupid. Oh well, Sasuke would play along just this once.

"Fine." He relented. "I'll look behind me." Dropping his hands from Naruto (if the blonde decided to make a run for it he could always catch up) Sasuke made a dramatic show of turning around, sarcastically announcing in a deadpan voice. "Oh no, you're right, Naruto, it – REALLY IS ITACHI RIGHT BEHIND ME!"

At the end of his sentence, Sasuke's voice really did take on a tone of utmost panic, for indeed, standing right before him in all of his evil-yet-sexy-at-the-same-time glory, stood Itachi, a predatory grin on his face.

"Hey little bro."

Sasuke's usually stoic expression was frozen in one of utter shock and horror, his eyes the size of saucers and his mouth dropped open wide. "I…I…Itachi?" he stuttered.

"What?" the elder Uchiha smirked, looking amused by the entire situation. "Can't a guy stop by to see his little baby brother?"

Sasuke regained the use of his reasoning (somewhat) at that point, and quickly decided that maybe if he just went along with it, that maybe Itachi really WOULD just leave it at a friendly visit, and then Sasuke could go back to showing Naruto just how seme he really was. That was, after he had regained consciousness from when he would undoubtedly pass-out out of shock if Itachi really did just leave with a friendly "hello, goodbye".

"Um, it's… good to see you." Sasuke stuttered, giving a low bow of respect. Although the moment he did this he felt very insecure – what if Itachi and Naruto were in cahoots and just waiting for this kind of a sign of submission so that Naruto could pounce and claim his (NOT!) rightful place as seme? Or what if this was some sort of twisted incest fic where Itachi had decided to show up and prove to Sasuke that he wasn't the most seme Uchiha around?

Sasuke quickly straightened himself, to find Itachi was still there, still giving him that creepy smile that just OOZED evil.

"Right then, I'll just be going." Itachi announced, striding purposefully past his younger brother. "Seeya."

Sasuke stood rooted to the spot for a minute or two, considering re-evaluating his sense of sanity, because that just COULD NOT have just happened. However, after standing there for a few minutes Sasuke started to realize that staying like that for much longer was rather pointless and made him look rather unintelligent, and besides that, his point of shock had already been made. Inwardly he patted himself on the back for not passing out. Now, back to finding Naruto and asserting his semeness.

Turning around, Sasuke was not surprised to see that Naruto had, predictably, made a run for it and was nowhere to be seen. Cursing his blonde rival, Sasuke placed his hands on his hips in a very "I-am-controlling-my-frustration-but-not-for-very-long" type manner, thinking of where Naruto might have gone. He put his hand level above his forehead, in a typical fashion that one assumes while looking for something, glancing from side to side. A 'whoosh' of fabric caught his eye, drawing his attention to the draperies that randomly hung over one entryway into a room. Smirking, Sasuke bet anything Naruto would have made a beeline for there, given the easy access, and nearly undetectable entry, given the fact that there was no opening or closing of doors necessary. Oh, he was a stealthy one, alright. But Sasuke was SO MUCH stealthier.

"Oh Naaaaaaaaarutooooo…" Sasuke called out in a creepy, sing-song voice. Slinking forward, he carefully readied his hands at the edge of the curtains, smirking. "One…" he counted down under his breath. "Two… THREE!" Sasuke violently parted the curtains on one quick sweep, revealing the broad room in all of its empty glory. …Empty? Where the hell was Naruto!

Scowling, Sasuke took a step forward to further investigate, but stopped when his foot hit something on the floor. That was odd, Sasuke did not remember just leaving anything lying around, especially not… a piece of pie?

Staring down at the floor, Sasuke discovered that there was indeed a piece of pie setting on a nice dish right in the middle of the floor. "What the bloody hell is going on around here!" Sasuke asked the air in frustration, suddenly compelled to use a very British phrase for some odd reason. Reaching down to pick up the pie, grumbling to himself, Sasuke couldn't help but prod at it gently, concerned that it might have some secret underlying … SOMETHING to it. But it appeared that it was just an ordinary piece of pie, for all it did when prodded was dribble a little bit of gooey, red filling onto Sasuke's fingers.

"YUCK!" Sasuke exclaimed angrily, swatting at it and mushing it into oblivion with the toe of his shoe. "I hate cherry!" How dare a pie of inadequate filling disgrace these hallowed Uchiha halls!

Unfortunately, upon swatting and mushing the pie with his foot, Sasuke had managed to get the despicable cherry filling all over himself. "GRAH!" he cried out in frustration, flapping his hands wildly to attempt to shake it off. Unfortunately the attempt was in vain, for he had very little success. Grumbling to himself about evil pastries, Sasuke turned on his heel, meaning to head to the kitchen and wash off the disgusting red goo. In his gooey, pie-covered state, his ninja reflexes were not at their sharpest, and so he was caught totally un-prepared when a mass of blonde hair and blinding orange jumpsuit came hurling at him, battle cry filling the air.

"NYAAAAAAAAAAAR!"

Sasuke went down with a surprised and angry "oof!", Naruto landing on top of him and quickly making to get a decent hold on his rival to adequately pin him. Fortunately, (for Sasuke, UNfortunately for Naruto) the dark haired male was still ninja enough to prevent any such thing from occurring. With a curse, Sasuke quickly flipped them both over, straddling Naruto's waist and glaring down at him.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Sasuke spat, noting with inward delight that Naruto's tacky orange jumpsuit had been smeared with pie.

"I'm proving that I'm seme over you!" Naruto shot back, trying to break free and failing to so in a very un-seme-like fashion.

"Well you're doing a sucky job." Sasuke pointed out, feeling in a rather mean kind of mood after the horrible day he was having.

"No – you're the one who would be doing a SUCKY job, you uke!" Naruto shot back, very crudely and bluntly. He was extremely miffed that his attack had been thwarted.

"That's disgusting." Sasuke said, glaring at Naruto. "I would do nothing of the sort."

"OH YES YOU WOULD!" Naruto indignantly shouted back, and with a burst of unexpected ninja-ness, managed to wrangle Sasuke off from on top of him, quickly moving to reverse their previous roles and, this time, succeeding. "HA!"

But Sasuke was not to be so easily dominated. After all, in his mind HE was the seme of the two, and felt it was his obligation to uphold that title to it's utmost. Wriggling out from Naruto's grasp with the aid of the pie and it's slippery gooeyness, Sasuke attempted to reclaim his spot atop the Naruto throne. Naruto, anticipating this, counterattacked, sending them both rolling into a sort of bizarre struggling, wrestling match. Sasuke let out a cry as Naruto shoved him back, maneuvering them into the pie zone, effectively managing to spread it off of the dish and all over Sasuke's nice, expensive carpet.

"THAT DOES IT!" Sasuke yelled as the pie squished disgustingly under them. Naruto paused in attempting to wrestle Sasuke underneath him, discovering that soiling the Uchiha carpeting with cherry pie was pushing Sasuke TOO FAR. Naruto gulped, staring up in fear at the absolutely livid Sasuke above him.

"Um…" the blonde glanced to the mushy mess of ground-in pie that they had created. "Sorry?"

"Oh… but you're not sorry enough." Sasuke darkly replied, causing Naruto to fear for his title of 'seme' over Sasuke, not to mention his life. "But you WILL be." And with that, Sasuke hauled Naruto up over his shoulder, carting him off in what Naruto ominously noted was the direction of the dark haired ninja's bedroom.

And that afternoon Naruto learned just who was worthy of the title "seme" in the long running, highly-debated, "who gets top in a relationship between Sasuke and Naruto" argument. And oddly enough, he didn't mind losing.

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THE END!

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And now for some further information about the "ALGORITHM MARCH! WITH NINJAS!" The video for the Algorithm March with ninjas can be found at YouTube, either by searching "Algorithm March! With Ninjas!" or by using the link

http/www(DOT)youtube(DOT)com(SLASH)watch?vqDSGmx8c2AM&searchalgorithm20march2120With20ninjas21

(I don't think direct linking is allowed, so replace the words in the parentheses with the real things…)

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The following is the seme/uke, yaoi themed tutorial for remembering the steps for the ALGORITHM MARCH! WITH NINJAS! (Official steps – along with lyrics to the song – are provided in the video, but everything is more fun with yaoi, right? XD)

Step 1! Reach out and grab your uke!

Step 2! Now thrust your hips with all your might!

Step 3! Turn around and spot a higher-ranking seme and bow!

Step 4! Your uke has disappeared! Look around for him!

Step 5! Push through the random curtains to further your search for your uke!

Step 6! Spot some pie on the ground and squat on down to investigate with a poke!

Step 7! Eww! It's cherry! Mush it with your foot and fling it off your hands!

Step 8! Wildly flap your arms to assure that there is no pie left!

REPEAT!

(Steps can be staggered and done in line form in rounds for a cool, interactive effect!)

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End file.
